August 2021 (written specifically to Tony)
I passed by an autistic organization’s van with the catchphrase “Because autistic children are children first.” There’s a general rule in life that innocent children deserve a special status. I’ve always been convinced of that truth myself, but why? Why do kids rate higher than anyone else, such as the elderly living alone, sick, and desperate for companionship? I want to say I have no idea, but I think I do.
There’s no fairness in giving, and there is no obvious solution. I could help families, grandmothers, or children, but not all of them. The only fairness that exists is the fairness I make up. The truth is that it’s all about me, not them. As I write this, I am sitting next to Karina, an eight-year-old Ukrainian orphan here in the US, on the summer hosting program. She is shy initially but bonds quickly and has the sweetest, happiest disposition. Everyone who comes in contact with her loves her. She holds onto me for dear life wherever we go, which makes me happy. Not only that, but her joy gives me purpose and meaning in life. In Calvinist thought, all our actions, even the good ones, are based on selfishness. All charitable acts are self-serving, as evidenced in my work with children. They give me as much joy through companionship and purpose as I give them in concrete needs. Imagine the sense of accomplishment I get from seeing one of them adopted into a loving family. That’s why Grandma loses out. I can’t push her on the swing, carry her on my back, or get her adopted. The payback is much more significant with children.
I can make a decent argument that at least someone benefits from my selfishness. Still, there is a nagging “Oh wretched man that I am” feeling that lurks in the recesses of my mind, much like that good old existential void I know so well. Innate selfishness and existential angst hanging out in some dark corridor together. Wait, there’s something else there. I think I hear the immortal words of 15-year-old Billy Cuthill echoing through time: “Life is Heavy, Vin.” It’s the secular version of “the righteous will live by faith.” The thing to say when you have no answers. It’s a dilemma! Whatever will be will be. Oh well, nothing else to do but smoke a joint, have milk and cookies, read a spider-man comic, and regress into oblivion.
